I need a journey of self improvement. I admit I don’t know what that is right now. There is nothing worse than not knowing and trying to get your $hit together. I want to become someone better.

I’m a shy and introvert guy. When I was as a kid I preferred to keep to myself. The only time I feel outgoing and social is when I go out to enjoy a beer, get a bit pissed or when I’m with people I’ve known for a long time.

I enjoy the quiet life, I couldn’t cope with fame or celebrity fuss. Attention seeking means you have to keep up a front, engage everybody and pretend to be someone you’re not. You have to live for everyone else. I wouldn’t want that lifestyle or pressure.

However for some reason I feel too stressed out suffering headaches, stomach ache and pent-up tension. I don’t know where the anxiety has come from, I’m guessing it’s from loneliness, money troubles, my demanding boss and other relationship problems.

There’s a lot on my mind. I think this job and my last relationship was the wrong move. Us young guys worry about stuff too. Our bodies, our health, our careers, finding love. It’s not all wild parties and thinking with our dicks.

For the first time, I’m feeling the grip of life and independence of being on my own. I’m in a moody grump or just flat lining with no highs or lows?

I think it’s harder to be happy man in the modern technology age. There is too much too fast. Life should be a chilled in your 20’s. The human race seems poorer than ever. Wages are frozen, costs are up and don’t even mention buying a house unless you can sell your liver on the black market. In real terms we earn less than our parents did at their age.

Life for our parents was easier and more carefree. In the eighties my parents said things changed into a branding and consumerism culture. Then there’s the terror killing sprees on the news every other day. It depressing stuff. How do you stay optimistic in the middle of a reality check?

So what do I want? What does happiness and success mean in your twenties? What sort of things makes you feel good, bad and worry too much?

You might feel you don’t measure up in the trouser department. Don’t worry about your penis size or then lengths and widths you see on the porn sets. Sex and love making will come with experience. You might want to also consider where you put it and always take precautions, be safe and carry a couple of condoms in your wallet at all times when for when you get lucky.

You don’t have to find “the one” in your twenties. Enjoy the dating game and make the most of your “single me time”. You can settle down, get married and have kids in all in due time. For now experiment.

If you are worried about getting fired or losing your job then update that CV and start looking for something else. Earning more is always nice. As your career develops, you get promotion you’ll boost your income along the way.

I agree things aren’t exactly going my way. I’m finding it hard to relax and unwind at night without a beer. I feel like my life is out of my control. I need to figure out how to be happy and  tranquil.

I have to fend for myself. I have no solutions to offer myself right now other than to pause, take breath and have some timeout to lower the stress levels. Getting more sleep would probably help too.

At least I’m not going bald, grey and having to shave my head yet. The assignment hasn’t gone wrong. I live for the mystery and the answers. Maybe I shouldn’t strive and push for someone or something better. I battle against change or the kind of person I want to be. Right now I just show up on here as I am and how I feel.

As far as I am concerned my Line Manager is of very high calibre, who I very much respect. My issues are with my direct Supervisor, who it turns out is a bit of a Hat. It rhythms with hat anyway.

Being new to the office environment at first I questioned my work ability. It made me very anxious and ill. Was I doing something wrong? Hat (as will call him from now on) made me feel unworthy and incapable of doing my job.

Hat’s behaviour and humiliating comments made me feel unaccepted and unwelcome. Then I realised it wasn’t me, Hat was a bully.

Here is one example….

Hat was rude and impatient while I was speaking on my own mobile phone during my lunch break. If I need to speak to someone and they are on the telephone I wait until they have finished their conversation before interrupting or trying to distract them.

At the end of my phone conversation I asked what Hat wanted. Hat said he “If I spent more working and less time on my mobile phone you’d know”. Which was an un-thoughtful and hurtful comment after all my recent hard work. Over the past few months I have been starting work early, around 7:30am and working until after 5pm and found this comment very hurtful and untrue.

I questioned why Hat felt a need to track my personal mobile phone calls on my lunch hour he said it was “his job to monitor”, yet recently I asked for some simple monitoring information to support a Business Case I had been asked to write.

Sadly Hat’s input never materialised, in the end I obtained the statistics and calculated the information myself because Hat failed to produce what I required – Hat did provide some useless but nicely coloured bar charts which weren’t very helpful.

The hypocrisy….

It’s OK for Hat to use the company landline to phone workman when he had work carried out at his home. Furthermore the next day a colleague was on her mobile while off lunch and Hat said nothing to her. It is clear to me that Hat has favouritism and discrimination towards certain team members.

It seems a pattern has developed with Hat’s own behaviour and bullying towards me and other colleagues in the past but he is protected and given the benefit of the doubt or any issues are brushed under the carpet.

The reason I’m angry is Hat’s ongoing poor treatment to lower level colleagues, his rudeness, lack of respect and power ego trip attitude. I have tried very hard to work closely with Hat and build a positive relationship but he makes things extremely difficult. As a result team morale is suffering. I find Hat’s management style emotionally and physically draining and very stressful.

Hats like this need to realise management isn’t about throwing your weight about, it’s about supporting staff and getting the best out of them.

Don’t be the office hat.

I attended Sunday dinner with the family this weekend to celebrate my new job. While at uni I missed the Sunday dinner meal around the table and sometimes got homesick. Dad’s rubbish jokes, Mum fussing over you and your older siblings taking the piss out of you and the banter. You miss family life sometimes.

I’m the youngest of the family so get treated like the baby of the family. The one labelled “needs the most help”. During the dinner conversation Mum and Dad asked me if I wanted to move back home. I nearly spat out my wine.

How do you tell your parents to “go f*** themselves” without hurting their feelings?

I could never move back home. When you live with your parents there is a lack of freedoms and independence that you don’t get while living away from home. I couldn’t live under my parents roof again. I love my independence and my flat is like heaven now I’ve refurnished it and added that “man’s touch”.

I’ve mastered most of the cooking skills I need so I won’t starve. Now I have a full time job I can also fumble along paying the bills, drinking beer and still trying to get laid in my own space.

So dear Mum and Dad. I’m so lucky and grateful to have caring parents like you. I love you and thank you for the offer and trying to make my life easier but I’ll have to decline. I’ve no intension of living back at home. I have my own place to chill out in and a place to rest my head at the end of the day. Please stop worrying.

Love Rob. XXX

Looking for a job is traumatic and stressful for young people. I’ve not had much interview practise in my short existence. I’ve been training for the whole of my 21 year life. And for around the last 3 years I’ve being studying and trying to get laid.

I’ve been activity seeking a new full time or part time job to supplement the twenty hours I am working and it’s fair to say the advantage is with the employers not the job hunter.

You should never go to bed angry so I’m going to rant about the state of the job market. I feel left out that I haven’t secured a full time job yet. All that studying and hard work and nobody wants me or my skills.

In five weeks I’ve had around seven interviews and heard nothing back apart from the silence of rejection or “After careful consideration I regret to inform you that you have not been successful on this occasion….”. I’m getting tired of these types of rejection letter.

It’s a cruel and selfish world. With hundreds of people applying for the same job competition is high and morale is low. Competition is tough and head hunters want the best.

The world is full of possibilities and opportunities. I’m trying to hunt them down for my careers sake. Our twenties should be the best time of our lives but modern life and money gets in the way.

I’ll keep looking hopefully the job search won’t drag on too long.